Employee Evaluations

Written April 27. 2000, at 23:53 GMT.

This is not the usual type of stuff I put out on my page, but some of these sentences are just too funny to lose on the bottom of my mailbox.

I got this joke sent in e-mail from a friend. I follow the rule of not believing things I get in e-mail, but these are funny nonetheless. - click to see the quotes...

Employee Evaluations

The following are actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:

"Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

"One neuron short of synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."

"Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


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